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    Early joke........

    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.


    When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,


    'You Sign! You sign!'


    Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


    Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,


    'You Sign! You sign!'


    Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.


    The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


    When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.


    He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


    'You sign! You sign!'


    Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:


    'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.


    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.


    On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,


    'You sign! You sign!'


    Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


    'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'


    The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



    (It's a beauty)




    (Wait for it)








    (Get your best Chinese accent ready)












    'You not Nissan Main Deala?'
    I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do!

    #2
    imported post

    Groan..............:?



    I remember in the seventies, a plane wasflying over London when its cargo doorflew open. The plane wascarrying gearbox components from Japan.

    That night it was reported on the news, that in London, it was raining Datsun Cogs

    Comment


      #3
      imported post

      Come on guys - you need to nip these jokes on the head !!!!!!!

      Comment


        #4
        imported post

        Ahem!

        http://stagownersclub.mywowbb.com/vi...nelson+mandela
        ZF 4 spd box, Datsun shafts, SS exhaust, 38DGMS weber 158.9bhp, BMW MC Tomcat seatssigpic

        Comment


          #5
          imported post

          Kevin Garrod wrote:
          Sincere apologies.:?
          I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do!

          Comment


            #6
            imported post

            Jeff wrote:
            Kevin Garrod wrote:
            Sincere apologies.:?
            Second thoughts, I'll withdraw my apology as I wasn't a member of the forum then.
            I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do!

            Comment


              #7
              imported post


              A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.





              The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.



              The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and


              sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano,


              setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a


              tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

              The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!


              'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.



              The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.


              He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'



              So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful


              genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish.


              Justone wish, each person is only allowed one!'



              The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'


              A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck,


              then another, pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!



              The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.


              I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'



              'Tell me about it!!' says the man,



              'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?’
              Dave
              1974 Mk2, ZF Auto, 3.45 Diff, Datsun Driveshafts. Stag owner/maintainer since 1989.

              Comment


                #8
                imported post

                This one amused me today

                ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.07am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Poster

                Hi
                I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



                This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
                Thanks Shan.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Poster

                Dear Shannon,
                That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
                Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
                Regards, David.

                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Poster

                yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                Dear Shannon,
                I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
                Attached poster as requested.
                Regards, David.




                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                Dear Shannon,
                It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
                Regards, David.

                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                Dear Shannon,
                Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
                I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
                Regards, David.



                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster





                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Awww

                Dear Shannon,
                I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
                I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
                Regards, David.




                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Awww

                Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Awww

                I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
                I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
                Regards, David.



                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                Please just use the photo I gave you.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

                From: David Thorne
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
                To: Shannon Walkley
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




                From: Shannon Walkley
                Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
                To: David Thorne
                Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                Fine. That will have to do




                1976 Triumph V8 Manual/OD in BRG

                Comment


                  #9
                  imported post

                  NickA wrote:
                  This one amused me today

                  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                   

                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.07am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Poster

                  Hi
                  I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then so I was wondering if you are not too busy you could make a poster for me. It has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.



                  This is the only photo of her I have she answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. missing on Harper street and my phone number.
                  Thanks Shan.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.26am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Poster

                  Dear Shannon,
                  That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not half way up a ladder or tree. How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out "Shannon, where are you?"
                  Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.
                  Regards, David.

                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9.37am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Poster

                  yeah ok thanks. I know you dont like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1pm today.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.17am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  Dear Shannon,
                  I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short. As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu & coke onto his white Wham 'Choose Life' t-shirt, and he punched me. An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash. In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants. I liked that cat.
                  Attached poster as requested.
                  Regards, David.




                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.24am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  yeah thats not what I was looking for at all. it looks like a movie and how come the photo of Missy is so small?

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.28am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  Dear Shannon,
                  It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.
                  Regards, David.

                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.33am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  Thats just stupid. Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. you seem to think it is funny. Can you make the photo bigger please and fix the text and do it in colour please. Thanks.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.46am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  Dear Shannon,
                  Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water. I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.
                  I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.
                  Regards, David.



                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10.59am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  This is worse than the other one. can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says missing missy off it? I just want it to say Lost.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.14am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster





                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.21am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

                  yeah can you do the poster or not? I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you. Thanks.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.32am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Awww

                  Dear Shannon,
                  I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it. If I wanted to feed something and clean faeces, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars. He still goes on about that sometimes, people need to learn to let go.
                  I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.
                  Regards, David.




                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.47am
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Awww

                  Thats not my cat. where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange. I gave you a photo of my cat.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11.58am
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Awww

                  I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says "I haven't seen your orange cat but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" you can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.
                  I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.
                  Regards, David.



                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.07pm
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                  Please just use the photo I gave you.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.22pm
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.34pm
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                  I didnt say there was a reward. I dont have $2000 dollars. What did you even put that there for? Apart from that it is perfect can you please remove the reward bit. Thanks Shan.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.42pm
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww



                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.51pm
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                  Can you just please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

                  From: David Thorne
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12.56pm
                  To: Shannon Walkley
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww




                  From: Shannon Walkley
                  Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1.03pm
                  To: David Thorne
                  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

                  Fine. That will have to do

                   

                  Fantastic!

                  You obviously have a lot of time on your hands, fancy helping me weld up and re spray my Stag.Prrrrrr
                  I only do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do!

                  Comment

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