One for the weekend. WARNING - not Stag related so don't read then complain.

[Jeff]

Three Aussie blokes working up a mobile phone tower in the outback: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, b$gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Staggard]

Three Aussie blokes working up a mobile phone tower in the outback: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, b$gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Rauol will like that one.

[Essex Stag]

Brilliant who else can we offend . Good on ya mate nothing wrong with the Aussies or the Kiwi's They had some very tasty nurses when I was in hospital in London a couple of years a go you just had to make sure if they were Aussie or Kiwi. Very touchy if you get it wrong but the accent is distinctly different if you hear them together. If we can laugh at ourselves it is good. To much bad news in this world any more funny jokes lads ?
Derek

[stag8manod]

During our trips to UK most people either took us for or asked if we were Australian when we are genuine Kiwis.
Cheers Ian A

[jakesmig]

During our trips to UK most people either took us for or asked if we were Australian when we are genuine Kiwis.
Cheers Ian A

I'd have thought the feathers would have given it away

John

[GDPR]

During our trips to UK most people either took us for or asked if we were Australian when we are genuine Kiwis.
Cheers Ian A

Is there a problem with fake kiwis then? Some people will counterfeit anything to make a quid

[Westfaling]

I know someone with a great list of Scouser jokes. There can't be any Scousers on the Forum can there -after all you're hardly likely to join the SOC after you stole your Stag?

[KOY 23]

[87bor]

....and here they are.

I know someone with a great list of Scouser jokes. There can't be any Scousers on the Forum can there -after all you're hardly likely to join the SOC after you stole your Stag?

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer?
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl.
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or
'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker."That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their
surnames."

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take
that red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool?
A. Father's day.

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher
looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your
hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all
of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug
addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a
pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the
drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after
another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of
amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.The man behind the counter
replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy
man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have
to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is £200,000 a year.'
The Scouser said 'you’re bull****ting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

If anyone is offended by the above just bear in mind it was Nick's idea!

Besides I need cheering up after spending a day trying to get the windscreen in with that dreaded chrome strip. Had to take a break and watch a two hour episode of Coronation Street to calm the nerves. We are two years behind so lets not discuss the death of Frank Foster.........does anyone know who done it?
This morning I had another go and when the chrome strip started popping back out I ripped it out of there like D'artagnan drawing his sword. I chucked it under the work bench where it can stay until I feel like taking it to the windscreen shop. (They practiced on Nick's car so I know for sure They can do it.)

So the bare, bland, boring rubber only windscreen is in and I spent the rest of the day choking to death making a new centre console with an angle grinder. Gosh that wood is toxic!

Cheers

Barry

[Marco Polo]

Rauol will like that one.

You're not wrong mate! I enjoyed them all, glad to see you're sharing your wisdom on the forum again. Take care my friend, cheers Raoul

[Essex Stag]

Absolutely brilliant Barry had us laughing out loud
At least you are leaving those poor Essex Blonde girls alone that's why I insist I am Essex /Suffolk Border .
Keep them coming lads
Derek

[Staggard]

sS

Three Aussie blokes working up a mobile phone tower in the outback: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, b$gger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife'.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead, and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

Well Jeff, Having read this by mistake, and having just traced my family tree (some are still swinging on it) I have found that my Great great great great great (and so on) Grandfather was an Aussie (I am allowed to say that BTW) and being absofeckinglutly NOT Stag related (except a couple of geazers over there have got one) I feel obliged to have a complaint (apart from the you know what disfuntion ) and I would like the Moderators ( taking it in turn's) to give you and your car a damm good thrashing Talking of your car, if your breaking it (see photo) (I see someone has already had the door's ) how much do you want for the bonnet?? ( The Missis has just broke the bathroom mirror) Signed Bored waiting for spares

[richard w]

Besides I need cheering up after spending a day trying to get the windscreen in with that dreaded chrome strip. Had to take a break and watch a two hour episode of Coronation Street to calm the nerves. We are two years behind so lets not discuss the death of Frank Foster.........does anyone know who done it?
This morning I had another go and when the chrome strip started popping back out I ripped it out of there like D'artagnan drawing his sword. I chucked it under the work bench where it can stay until I feel like taking it to the windscreen shop. (They practiced on Nick's car so I know for sure They can do it.)

So the bare, bland, boring rubber only windscreen is in and I spent the rest of the day choking to death making a new centre console with an angle grinder. Gosh that wood is toxic!

Cheers

Barry

Won't that be a bit hard to see through. Good idea for avoiding stone chips though I'll get my coat!

Richard

[Jeff]

sS Well Jeff, Having read this by mistake, and having just traced my family tree (some are still swinging on it) I have found that my Great great great great great (and so on) Grandfather was an Aussie (I am allowed to say that BTW) and being absofeckinglutly NOT Stag related (except a couple of geazers over there have got one) I feel obliged to have a complaint (apart from the you know what disfuntion ) and I would like the Moderators ( taking it in turn's) to give you and your car a damm good thrashing Talking of your car, if your breaking it (see photo) (I see someone has already had the door's ) how much do you want for the bonnet?? ( The Missis has just broke the bathroom mirror) Signed Bored waiting for spares

I suppose you'll be saying G'day mate instead of Bwonus deas from now on then.

[Jeff]

Nice to see some friendly banter from different members instead of the usual ones, keep it up!