Service Manuals !!!. I have read enough of them to realise never to take them literally so I should not have been surprised, another one of those jobs that looked like an hour would be enough, three hours later sorted then I collapsed in a heap.
Part of continuing stuff on my Stag was today replacing Steering Intermediate Shaft ( Bit with two U/Js ).
Manual says.
Removing.
1. Remove two pinch-bolts and nuts clamping upper and lower universal joint.
2. Remove the bolt securing steering column ( Inside the car ).
3. Withdraw steering column from shaft.
4. Withdraw intermediate shaft.
Refitting. Reverse of above.
No mention about two bolts on steering column top to below dash, obvious when doing this. No mention about ??? number of years since the shaft was fitted so it now seemed to be welded to column shaft even when the pinch gap is opened up. No mention that if doing this on your own you need arms about eight feet long to hold the shaft as you push the column into it. No mention about if you are older than 21 removing the bolt that holds the column to bulkhead will be “interesting”. No mention if you are an old fart you will wake up tomorrow with more aches.
Reminds me of text below.
…………………………………………†¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦..
HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beatrepeatedly with hammer
Anticlockwise. You do know which way isanticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliersto dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on yourforehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you aredoing now cannotbe considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botchit up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is alow, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiringdiagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would havebeen more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of daysand that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don'tmention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swearat, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner ofthe garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you arelooking at, and then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, asI thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone youknow.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugsremoved.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you canstart to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderateheat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn'tcome undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp withadjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you wantto do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or lengthof bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedlywith a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Super Glue around heresomewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease beforechancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe somecongealed washingup liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similartexture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the picturedexploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous orvariant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.!
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amountof cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far tooscary. Proceed with routine service (see above).
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the objectwe are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularlywell on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets intheir holes until you die of old age, but it also works great fordrilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to therear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothingelse is available, they can also be used to transfer intense weldingheat to thepalm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting variousflammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting thegrease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race outof.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chestand flings your beer across the room, splattering it against thatfreshly painted partyou were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes youto say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after youhave installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jackhandle firmly under the front wing (fender).
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off ahydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has anotherhydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and isten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating greasebuild up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten todisconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying toolthat inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on theend without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuricacid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox afterdetermining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as youthought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called adrop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefitsaside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.More often dark than light,its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuelburning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressedair that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and roundsthem off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clipor bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Part of continuing stuff on my Stag was today replacing Steering Intermediate Shaft ( Bit with two U/Js ).
Manual says.
Removing.
1. Remove two pinch-bolts and nuts clamping upper and lower universal joint.
2. Remove the bolt securing steering column ( Inside the car ).
3. Withdraw steering column from shaft.
4. Withdraw intermediate shaft.
Refitting. Reverse of above.
No mention about two bolts on steering column top to below dash, obvious when doing this. No mention about ??? number of years since the shaft was fitted so it now seemed to be welded to column shaft even when the pinch gap is opened up. No mention that if doing this on your own you need arms about eight feet long to hold the shaft as you push the column into it. No mention about if you are older than 21 removing the bolt that holds the column to bulkhead will be “interesting”. No mention if you are an old fart you will wake up tomorrow with more aches.
Reminds me of text below.
…………………………………………†¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦..
HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beatrepeatedly with hammer
Anticlockwise. You do know which way isanticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustablewrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliersto dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on yourforehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you aredoing now cannotbe considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botchit up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is alow, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiringdiagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would havebeen more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of daysand that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don'tmention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swearat, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner ofthe garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you arelooking at, and then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, asI thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone youknow.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugsremoved.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you canstart to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderateheat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn'tcome undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp withadjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you wantto do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or lengthof bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedlywith a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Super Glue around heresomewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease beforechancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe somecongealed washingup liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similartexture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the picturedexploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous orvariant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.!
THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes
Manual (aka "The Haynes Bumper Book of Jokes") is:
Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amountof cash.
Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far tooscary. Proceed with routine service (see above).
HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the objectwe are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents ofcardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularlywell on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets intheir holes until you die of old age, but it also works great fordrilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to therear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija boardprinciple. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictablemotion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the moredismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothingelse is available, they can also be used to transfer intense weldingheat to thepalm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting variousflammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting thegrease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race outof.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars andmotorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flatmetal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chestand flings your beer across the room, splattering it against thatfreshly painted partyou were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhereunder the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprintwhorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes youto say, "F...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after youhave installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jackhandle firmly under the front wing (fender).
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off ahydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has anotherhydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool forspreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and isten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating greasebuild up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensilestrength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten todisconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying toolthat inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on theend without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuricacid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox afterdetermining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as youthought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called adrop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefitsaside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the
same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge.More often dark than light,its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuelburning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressedair that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rustybolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and roundsthem off.
PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clipor bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50pence part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
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