If Tommy Cooper were alive today...............
>
>
> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
> I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
> -----------------------
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
> a turtle disaster.
> ------------------------
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I
> said, 'No, permanent.'
> -----------------------
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
> you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
> ----------------------------
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
> before End'
> ---------------------------
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
> 'No,
> just a watch.'
> ------------------------------
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
> said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> --------------------------
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
> ------------------------
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
> 'You've got cholera.'
> ---------------------------
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
> its P something T something R.
> ----------------------------
> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
> down.
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
> went on and on.
> ---------------------------
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
> I
> said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
> --------------------------
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
> 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
> the custard.'
> ----------------------
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
> He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
> --------------------------
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
> I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
> anything.'
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
> outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
> --------------------------------
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
> --------------------------
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
> first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
> ------------------------------
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
> been
> promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say
> I'd
> been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
> director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
> what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
> ----------------------
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
> cat in there..
> -------------------------
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
> shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
> counts.
> ------------------------
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
> said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> ---------------------------
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
> splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
> Thursdays.'
> --------------------------------
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
> He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
> --------------------------------
> A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
> 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
> special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
>
>
>
> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
> I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
> -----------------------
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
> a turtle disaster.
> ------------------------
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I
> said, 'No, permanent.'
> -----------------------
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do
> you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
> ----------------------------
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
> before End'
> ---------------------------
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
> 'No,
> just a watch.'
> ------------------------------
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
> said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> --------------------------
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
> ------------------------
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said,
> 'You've got cholera.'
> ---------------------------
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
> its P something T something R.
> ----------------------------
> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it
> down.
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
> went on and on.
> ---------------------------
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
> I
> said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
> --------------------------
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
> 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for
> the custard.'
> ----------------------
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
> He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
> --------------------------
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?'
> I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
> anything.'
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
> outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
> --------------------------------
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
> --------------------------
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
> first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
> ------------------------------
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
> been
> promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say
> I'd
> been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
> director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
> what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
> ----------------------
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
> cat in there..
> -------------------------
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
> shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
> counts.
> ------------------------
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I
> said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> ---------------------------
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
> splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or
> Thursdays.'
> --------------------------------
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?'
> He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
> --------------------------------
> A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies.
> 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing
> special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
>
:P
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