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    Friday Laughs



    [align=center]Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
    **************************
    In a Podiatrist's office:
    'Time wounds all heels.'
    **************************
    On a Septic Tank Truck:
    Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    **************************
    On a Plumber's truck:

    'We repair what your husband fixed.'
    **************************
    On another Plumber's truck:

    'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
    **************************
    On a Church's Bill board:

    '7 days without God makes one weak.'
    **************************
    At a Tire Store

    'Invite us to your next blowout.'
    **************************
    On an Electrician's truck:

    'Let us remove your shorts.'
    **************************
    In a Non-smoking Area:

    'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
    **************************
    On a Maternity Room door:

    'Push. Push. Push.'
    **************************
    At an Optometrist's Office:

    'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
    **************************
    On a Taxidermist's window:

    'We really know our stuff.'
    **************************
    On a Fence:

    'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
    **************************
    At a Car Dealership:

    'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
    **************************
    Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

    'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
    **************************
    In a Vets waiting room:

    'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
    **************************
    In a Restaurant window:

    'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
    **************************
    In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

    'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
    **************************

    And don't forget the sign at a
    RADIATOR SHOP:
    'Best place in town to take a leak.'
    **********************
    Sign on the back of yet another
    Septic Tank Truck:
    'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'[/align]

    #2
    imported post





    IMPONDERABLES

    Why is there only one Monopolies commission

    Why isn’t ‘phonetic’ spelt with an ‘F’?

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously - Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are 2 kinds of pedestrian: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted .

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a groove and a grave is the depth.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

    Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its backside.'

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer ?

    If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?


    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?



    Comment


      #3
      imported post

      When the man comes to clean the portaloo on a building site"is he taking the piss"

      Comment


        #4
        imported post

        Things You Learn From the Movies


        1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

        2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

        3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

        4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

        5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

        6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

        7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

        8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

        9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

        10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

        11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

        12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

        13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.

        14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

        15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.

        16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

        17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

        18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

        19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

        20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.

        21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

        22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

        23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

        24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

        25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

        26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

        Comment


          #5
          imported post



          Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?




          Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

          [size=4]

          Ever wonder why?
















          It's because she smells like a new CAR.


          [size=3]




          Attached Files

          Comment


            #6
            imported post

            The oldies are still amusing



            I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......



            * she called me to get my phone number.



            * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."



            * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.



            *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.



            *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.



            *she tried to drown a fish.



            *she thought a quarterback was a refund.



            *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.



            *she tripped over a cordless phone.



            *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.



            *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.



            *she studied for a blood test.



            *she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.



            *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.



            *when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.



            *when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport” she turned around and went home

            Comment

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